A Dictionary for Women
Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!